LOST IN THOUGHT

As many of you know I have a son who suffers from mental illness.

I also have a younger brother who has brain cancer.

Both of these men have suffered a great deal.

I have watched and prayed. My son is doing OK for now.

My brother, not so much. My Mother is trying to help but to no avail.

I wrote this poem because it exposes the inside thoughts of people who suffer from

illnesses. My son is trying to learn to manage his, while my brother is lost in his own mind now.

I have a glimpse of myself here and there also, but just a little piece.

Lost In Thought

what does it look like at deaths door
is there a God waiting for us
or demons to abhor
Is it a childs eye view that I long to see
or a forceful ethereal energy that extends
the person I had wished to be
I am left with only hope
that the hell on earth.....
the pain
the anger
the anguish
the disappointment
the betrayals
the self imposed prison
the responsibilities
the ruminations
the carelessness
the rudeness
the restlessness
the audacity
the sleepless nights
the tears swelling in my eyes
the cowardly feelings
the lack of order
the word salad
the manic medications
the downward spirals
the looks of disapproval
the looks of fear
the lack of energy
the no known cure
the grim prognosis
the just count the days until
the just try harder

the just be still............................
that all of these and more
will give way to a peace
that is in store


faith will send me
extend me
release me
free me
from this life
to be the soul
I had always intended to be
I wonder what it looks like
at heavens gate

A. Allen 2009

This is dedicated to Matt and Mike.

I love you so very much.

GUESS BETS

1. HOLD ME BACK
2. DESERT PARTY
3. GENERAL QUARTERS

AND THEIR OFF......................

WELL, I always LOVE it when a long shot (50 to 1) Mine That Bird wins. Hot Damn! American jockey.....talking about his mama and daddy. He only cost $9,500.00. He was driven to Kentucky in a pick up truck. Every horse has a story, but this one is great! NEVER bet on the favorite in the Derby.

"weep no more my lady"

A BIT OF BUBBLY

DOC arrived in town last week and it's been a great week for the most part. As long as we don't talk about the swine flu and all of our aches and pains. (May all of our pains be Champagnes!)

We celebrated our 40th and it was very low key......exactly the way we both wished it to be. We had a very late lunch of fresh fish and roasted vegetables at one of our favorite restaurants. We made it home just in time for the cocktail hour and shared this most wonderful bottle of champagne. When my friend Sherron and I were in Napa last summer, we visited the Mumm sparkling winery. This was in one of the tastings we had sampled and I loved it. It proved perfect for the occasion.

We exchanged cards and laughed and also teared up over our 40 years together and the highs and lows of our joined lives. We both wondered where all the time had gone.

I would like to close with this poem. It was on one of the cards we shared.

TIME is too slow for those who wait,

too swift for those who fear,

too long for those who grieve,

too short for those who rejoice,

but for those who love,

time is eternity......................................... H. Van Dyke.

and so it goes

What's Up Doc?

Meet Doc...........he's aged a little. This is what he does to torture me. Just when I least expect it. SIGH! I told him when he visits me to leave the mask at home. Can you imagine the surprise of the TSA agents? The end of this month we will be celebrating 40 years of marriage. I told him it was the RUBY anniversary. He kept saying, "What, What?" {Right, like he can't hear me.} We caught up on the phone today. It's amazing that we are both so busy. I wonder what will happen when we get free time? Maybe I'll wear the mask!
Come to think of it, I did wear this mask decades ago. We took a 7 day cruise. {I'll never do that again......lost 10 lbs, sea sick} We had costume night and I didn't have a costume. Doc wasn't about to participate in that show, so I borrowed my sons' high top red converse tennis shoes and red glasses. Then I wore a blue denim jumpsuit that I padded all over. So everybody thought that I was a guy. Gosh, does that mean, I've done drag? Well, call 'em like ya see 'em. Anyway, much to my surprise I won the trophy for first place. It's the first trophy I ever won. I may add that it is the ONLY trophy that I ever won. Yep, it's sitting on the bookshelves with all of Docs trophies, awards and diplomas. Don't say I've never done my part. I always wanted to be a trophy wife. I hope he keeps it polished while I am in Arizona.
Tonight I find myself engrossed in words and the language of today. Who knew that I would know the difference between, twittering, tweeting, tweaking, and tweeking. Lord, what a differnce a day makes.

MARCH.....no wonder they killed Ceasar!

March was a month of much activity in my world. Health was a major issue. I wasn't pregnant, so no worry of a baby but 4 grand kids descended upon me like a tornado in Kansas. They came, they saw and they conquered!

The first of March found me with a terrible sinus infection and two strong antibiotics (and all of the side effects) trying to kill me off. The kids arrived with Doc late on a Saturday night. I had fallen asleep between temperature changes and the phone rang. I drove to the airport to pick them up. They were so very excited. (and they didn't even know the surprise that I had in store for them)

On Monday I felt a little strange but attributed it to overload. Monday evening our newest grandchild via marriage joined our group and we announced the newest addition to the other grand kids. Tyler is in the 4Th grade and every time I have a grandchild that is in the fourth grand they get to pick the trip and I take them on the excursion. Tyler and the rest of us were headed off to San Diego to tour the zoo. I had taken Patrick there just the year before (not to worry Pat...we'll always have THE DEL)

On Tuesday morning we headed off to the airport and flew to San Diego. I started feeling bad that morning but brushed it off. Long story short. We had a great time; amidst childish squabbles. We had a great time at the zoo with a private tour. Then I started feeling really strange. I got the flu. (boo-hoo)

We arrived home on Thursday. As soon as I got home I put on my pj's and told everybody what was available for dinner. I took to my bed like a moth to light. Sedona had been sleeping with me and I told her I had to watch ER on TV that night because my boyfriend was on ER........the famous George Clooney. I had to explain to her why I had a boyfriend. She was quit confused but feel asleep right off the bat. I fell asleep right after I saw G.C. kiss somebody........sweet dreams!

I took the grand kids and Doc to the airport early on Saturday. After I dropped them off I found the sound of silence...... golden. You just can't pay for something that sweet. I arrived home to take my Advil and fell asleep watching Lifetime movies. Two days later I emerged feeling much better; although looking much like a troll doll.

I got up on Monday morning feeling quite chipper. I went to my bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. On the way there I felt a sneeze coming on and stepped up my pace to get to the sink to grab a Kleenex. I managed to trip over the area rug, sneeze, wet my pants, bite my tongue and tweak my back all within a matter of 4 seconds. Does this take talent? The only think I didn't do was crap myself.

Let's progress to the here and now. My back has been "out" of commission for 2 weeks. It is getting better and it is muscular............but it hurts all the same. I even broke down and have seen an acupuncturist. It has helped. It is slow to heal, but then I understand that happens with age. (SIGH!!)

My ass is now one giant pin cushion. I now feel muscle aches that I didn't know could exist. I am doing my yoga stretches everyday and putting a bag of frozen veggies on my ass. I wondered what I was going to do with the edamame and it has come in so handy. Can't wait till Doc comes back down so I can fry it up for him. Put enough butter on it and he'll eat anything. I am SO trying to be a passive/aggressive personality.

Somebody; anybody send soap-on-a-rope quickly!

More later.

SHE BLEW OUT MY FLIP FLOP

FRIDAY THE 13TH........did not disappoint this year. I was actually in a good mood and felt like I needed to plant some spring flowers. I headed on over the Super Wallmart and was not impressed. They didn't have the plant that I was most interested in. I wanted to get a couple of large fire sticks to place in my wok bowls at the entrance to my courtyard at the front of my house. They are stick, pencil-like green plants with coral red tips. I believe they are more of a succulent (shut up Remo) than a cactus. I didn't find any there but Home Depot was right across the street so I headed off in that direction.
I ended up finding 4 of them and bought them only to return them the next day. Seems as though I found out that they are very dangerous IF you ever have to trim them or break them. They omit a sap that can cause serious injury from severe skin rash to blindness. It just so happens that my house man (no longer a boy) went blind for 3 days and had to go to the hospital because of this plant.
But I digress, as I was exploring the wonderful garden plants of Home Depot, I took my time to enjoy all of the color and different types of plants and pots. In my peripheral vision I noticed a motorized wheel chair coming towards me and I quickly stepped closer to the shelf of plants. She whizzed by me and for a minute I felt great compassion for this women. If you don't know this about me, I'll tell you that for a little less than a year (10 years ago) I was in a wheel chair. It was either be in one and get out or stay at home.....so I chose the chair. It's not an easy decision. After the wheel chair part was over, I wore out 3 Don-Joy walking boots. Those things are HELL. Trust me, it's not an easy way to get around. Thus the compassion for this woman. She was sporting some extra weight but hey, I have a few extra on me too.....so I was not sitting in judgement.
Now some time had passed and it seems like I met this woman at every isle. She was really going fast in that chair. In fact, I didn't realize a person could go that fast in one. She must have an upgraded version. I had the ole one that you actually had to wheel with your own arms.....so I went slowly. Whenever I was at a place that offered the electric ones, I used those.....but never went THAT fast.
Soon enough I felt like a person that was being stalked by a HUGE Africanized bee. I was swatting her away. I even tried going down the grass fertilizer isle and damn if she didn't go down THAT isle. What the hell was happening? She kept it up too, never slowing down once or even making eye contact. SIGH.........OK Anne, just try to calm down after all the poor lady (?) is in a wheelchair. But you know what, I couldn't because there she was again. What's a girl to do? Ok, go to checkout and get the heck out of there and that's what I did.
OK, I got that over with and it was time to head on to the grocery down the street. It is a favorite of mine and I only had to get a few things but not being familiar with the layout of the land, I went up and down every isle. Guess what? To my surprise, she (the big bee) was in that store too. After two isles I couldn't take it anymore. She didn't once scoot over on her jazzy! She was starting to piss me off. OK, Anne, go over to the other end of the store and start at that end and that is what I did. I left my cart for a minute to go around the isle to pick up something I forgot and much to My surprise there she came............hell bent to get something. As she rounded the corner, she reminded me of a long haul truck driver about to go into a jack knife. She continued and buzzed right by me. I drew my size 6 flip flops together and my toes drew straight back. Damn if she didn't sheer off the tip of my left flip flop. I looked down at my toes and the roast beef piggy, along with the the piggy who had none, where up behind bye ball of my foot. Thank God they could do that trick because they would be missing. I yelled out Son of A B..ch. It was a reaction. Know what, she never looked back. Now just who could I complain to? Nobody.......everybody would look at her and feel sorry for her....just like I had initially. So, I headed to the checkout and went home. Enough excitement for the day. Besides, I need to find some new flip flops soon. I hope she isn't there at the shoe department. The headlines won't favor me.

The Chapel

There is a chapel in Sedona that I love to visit. It is very small and a little hike up to it, but once you get there the views are spectacular. You will notice a couple of rock formations in the background but it has been rather interesting to watch this "house" being built. It has taken years. The little one at the bottom is the guest house. I could only capture a glimpse of it. it is actually much larger than it appears in this picture. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the house that the inventor of lasik sugery built. The Chapel in so very simple and then there is this! Interesting? OH MY!