My Father

This plate is my Christmas memory I have of my Father. My Dad died a few years ago. We had a difficult relationship. To tell you the truth, he had a difficult realationship with all of his family. (His story will be told on Valentines Day.)

It was in the early 60's and my brother was in the hospital. They thought he had lukemia. My mother stayed with him around the clock. Dad and I were at home together. He had never "watched" me before. I do remember it was the begining of December and Christmas decorations were beginning to appear in our neighborhood. I was mesmerized by our neighbors tree, across the street. It was silver and changed colors, from red, to blue, to green, then yellow........wow, I just watched it for hours. It was so cool.

My Father had locked himself up in the utility room. He didn't know I could hear him, he was crying and asking God to watch over his son while he was in the hospital. It's the only time I remember my Dad crying. I didn't see him, only heard him. When he came out of the room, he looked at me and said, "Get ready, we are going to get a Christmas tree. When they get home from the hospital, it will be there for them. I ran and got my coat and gloves and off we walked to the shopping center about a mile away. (We were a family who did not own a car, we walked everywhere or rode the bus. You do not miss what you never had.)

We walked in the gloaming, the stars were coming out and the magic of the full moon was about to appear. I remember it being very cold, perhaps because I didn't have boots on, just my regular Mary-Janes and bare legs. The snowflakes were as large as quarters and I tried catching them with me tongue. My Dad was showing me how.

We arrived at the grocery store and the trees were lined up on the side of the store. My Dad let ME pick the tree out and I was excited to do so. After I seclected one, he grabbed it and off  went on our journey home. (It didn't occur to me that he had not paid for the tree, until years later.) Back in those days, every store closed at 5 p.m., including the grocery store. Everything, except the drugstore was closed on Sunday. Hard to imagine now, isn't it? He pulled that tree all the way home leaving a trail of pine-needled snow behind us. We sang Christmas songs and I thought that this was a wonderful evening, maybe that is why the gloaming is so special to me. It's just a magical time, not dark, not light, just right! Perhaps it was that particular moment that made it so.

We arrived home and he immediately placed the tree in a stand with water. He put the lights on and allowed me to decorate the tree..........all by myself! I was so excited to do this. I was never allowed to do it before, other than the icicles. He also allowed me to open one present. I chose the one from my favorite aunt. It was 2 books. One was The Wizzard of Oz and the other was Alice in Wonderland. I think it was then that my love of books was established. I know in three days time, I had finished reading them. Starring at MY tree and reading was a wonderful escape from reality. Those twinkling bright lights aglow in the darkness provided the light I needed for reading. It was my magical Christmas. My Father gave that to me. It is the only memory I have of him that is not tainted with mistrust and disdain. I am glad to have it.

So when I bring this plate out at Christmas time, I go over and pick it up from time to time and remember that Christmas, the one where I think that I was loved by my Father. I know, in his own way he did, but it was only in that evening, in the gloaming, that I FELT it!

My friend told me that it would take time to grieve about his death. I did not shed a tear. I had lost him years ago, prior to his death, to alcoholism and all the misery that goes along with that.

But my friends, we had snow this Thanksgiving and we have a full moon. It is in the gloaming tonight that I will remember that Christmas and all that it offered me and all that it continues to offer me.

Life goes on!   It's Life's Illusions that I recall....I really don't know life.....at all!