The BIG Picture

To continue my entry about my Father, in great detail would not be right. Let me say that he was on his own when he was 13 years old. His first paying job was working for a drug store and living in the broom closet of the store. He then went on to deliever telegrams on a bicycle. He served in the Army in WWII. Before he married my mother he had been married twice before. This is what I need to remember about him, his childhood, his beginning years.

I grew up and lived with a person who I called Dad but behaved in a very cruel, hellish way. All of his bad behavior, and there was plenty of it, was the part I experienced. It's the part his loved ones experienced. He broke my Mothers spirit at a young age, but it was HER decision to stay with him until his dying day.

I don't see how my brother survived. It's interesting that the women he has chosen to date (few and far between) have ended up behaving like my father. He, I am sure, will stay single. His life is a sheltered one. He is brialliant in certain areas, but never experienced the love or even a kind word of a Father. If I could change that for him, I would, but I can't.

So what it boils down to is this: I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it, and I sure couldn't cure it! 

I could go into great detail about the pain he has caused my family and strangers. The insults, the verbal abuse, the physical abuse, but what purpose would it serve? I have acknowledged this part to myself. I need to acknowlege the other part....his beginning. Oh, I won't forget the other part, ever, but to remember his beginging, is the puzzle piece I needed. It's the part that puts the whole picture into place. It's time to see the BIG picture, to release myself from the chains of childhood, from the trauma. It's time to realize that I have a lot of his genes also and hope they are the good ones. I know I have his sense of humor and this is a GOOD thing. I know I have a great wonder about the world and love to travel, as he did.

It's OK, life goes on, the good with the bad. It's just now, I need to know and understand and acknowledge the good. It's coming.....slowly!

What I need to remember, is this. How could he have been any different than the way he was? (Considering all of the things that happened to him from before he was born, until he died.)

The amazing thing is that I "get it." I got away from this situation at a young age and was very LUCKY! I married somebody who was not like my Father, my Grandfathers, uncles, and Great Grandfathers. It is also amazing that I have a son who "gets it" too. So perhaps this gene, this piece of history will be changed for the better...perhaps! One can only hope.