It's been awhile since my last post. I'm back all in one piece. It's odd what happens as we age. Things that didn't bother us, now do and visa versa.
It's time to admit it to one and all that I have a TROLL that lives inside of me and every once in awhile he comes out to feed. He robs me of sleep, sound thinking, happiness, being able to speak or write with clarity, he steals my breath and robs me of my ability to enjoy life. I live, during his visit, but just barely. The more he makes himself known, he stronger he gets and the weaker I get. I hate him for this and don't want to give him anymore power. I have to stop feeding him and to do that it requires many things from me. First I have to acknowlege him and stop trying to think that I can do it alone. I have had to find the right medicine and the right amounts of the medicines and the right people who understand. I know that prayer doesn't solve this, but it helps it. I refuse to let this troll take over. I may be 54 yrs old, (and damn, he didn't start visiting me until I was around 50) but I will not let him drag me under the bridge or slay me with his sword or stop me from enjoying a life worth living. This troll will never completely go away and may surface from time to time but I am NOT willing to give in to him. I know that I will always prevail, it's just sometimes it takes longer than what I would like for it to. But my friends, although he is always there, I am his master and not the other way around. The trolls name, oh, I forgot to mention it......his name is Anxiety and Depression.
.jpg)
19 comments:
Oh, Anne, do I understand the Troll, big time. I hope you can find the right person to sort out the meds. And the right person to sort all this out with. It is scary to confront, and then admit to such a big thing that blights life , but you are not alone. Many of us struggle with it, too. I will keep you in my thoughts, and if you ever need a supporting word, e-mail me. Love, Margo
the blues and anxiety come and go, but you WILL have happy times to...after awhile it's like riding a wave, the ebb &flow of it all take care for you're on the right track...~kbear
Knowing the troll is there is half the battle. I hope you're feeling stronger soon and can give him the raspberry.
But seriously sweetie.. hang in there, it's a battle worth fighting. ~Sie
...and then there are those days were the trollop manically dons the dancing shoes...ain't none of it too fun of any sort. love ya woman, debra
Babe, admitting this troll exists helps a lot.
Having lots of friends helps too!
Maybe between meds and all your family
and friends that love you we can whoop
his arse and put him away!
Love ya hon!
Connie
YOU HAVE INSPIRED ME TO WRITE ABOUT THIS LOATHESOME MONSTER WHO DID NOT CRAWL OUT FROM UNDER THE BRIDGE UNTIL I WAS FIFTY AND I THOUGHT I COULD NOT FOCUS ...I WOULD READ SOMETHING AND HAVE TO REREAD IT! I BEGAN SLEEPING DAY AND NIGHT...I THOUGHT I WAS EXHAUSTED...I BEGAN BINGE DRINKING COCA COLA'A AND PUT ON 20 LBS. OVERNIGHT...THEN I BEGAN CRYING ALL THE TIME ; YET, I HAD A LIFESTYLE EVERYBODY I KNEW WISHED THEY HAD...WHAT WAS THE MATTER WITH ME? YEP! ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION.
AFTER TEN YEARS I REALIZE THE TROLL OR THE EVIL ENTITY WAS WINNING THE STRUGGLE AND I REACHED OUT FOR FRIENDS...WHICH I FOUND HERE IN JLAND...I SUDDENLY HAD MEANING IN MY LIFE...WHICH I EXPERIENCE WHEN I READ COMMENTS ON MY JOURNALS...AND I ACTIVELY CREATED A NEW CHALLENGE WHEN I STARTED CONSTRUCTION TWO WEEKS AGO ON A NEW LIVING SPACE HERE ON THE RANC...WITH AN INCREDIBLE VIEW AND GIGANTIC WALLS FOR MY FAVORITE ART. NO PAPERWORK WILL ENTER THERE OR DOGS OR PEOPLE WITH PROBLEMS ...IT WILL BE MY SANCTUARY TO HEAL AND I AM CERTAIN IT WAS MUCH LESS EXPENSIVE THAN THERAPY OR A MENTAL HOSPITAL......MY NEXT PLAN IS TO FORM A LUNCHEON GROUP AND MEET A FEW SPECIAL PEOPLE FOR LUNCH ONCE A WEEK...ALSO A CARD GROUP TO MEET ONCE A WEEK...ALSO A BACKGAMMON ENTHUSIAST TO MEET ONCE A WEEK, A MASSAGE ONCE A WEEK, AND TO HAVE LUNCH IN A GOURMET RESTAURANT ONCE A MONTH WITH A SCINTILATING CONVERSATIONALIST. THAT IS THE PLAN! IF YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER IDEAS EMAIL ME ...COURTENAYMPHELAN@AOL.COM
SOLUTION! We go to "The Peanut" -- just the two of us -- and we gorge on BLT's and then drink ourselves silly as we talk out all our demons and/or trolls. Then when we're cleansed (it make take a few hours), we call our better halves to come pick us up. Yes, Anne -- I'm asking you out on a date. A mental health emergency date. Accept? This weekend? Love, Russ
you know I am thinking of you and am only a phone call or a plane ride away. love and big hugs your way my dear friend. judi
That mean ol' troll....he just goes from place to place...I hope he leaves soon....luv you...hang in there. E xoxoxo
You are not alone, girl. If only we could find an instant fix!
Dairy Queen helps, sometimes....and friendship. Always here for you.
xoxo
Hang in there. Sometimes creativity can be found in the midst of these type of struggles.
Peace, Virginia
Aww, you look NOTHING like that. I'm sure of it. And if you don't mind, please ask before posting my driver's license picture in the future?
Please feel better. Don't let it get ya!
Jimmy
I've had visits from that ugly old troll myself from time to time. Like you said you are the master of the troll, and not vice versa. Your beautiful just wash that troll right out of your hair!
Derek
Ahhhh, call him the Biotch that he is, and remind him that you have many friends that love you, Troll or no. Plus, its not like it wasn't situational. You've never been one to hide from a fight, and I've got your back, Big Pea.
I love you. Keep on keeping on.
Love,
Little Pea
Ahhh I know this troll...maybe it is his brother that lives inside of me! Hang in there!
Stacy
Yes, admitting the ugly bugger is there IS half the battle, the other half is getting up the nerve to look this little devil in the EYE!
I say it's ROLL-A-TROLL, day. Let's roll him under a bridge where he belongs.
This story has a happy ending, Anne.
Come visit sometime. REMEMBER, to err is human; to forgive, BOVINE!!!
You know how much I can relate Anne, but even with that, and with all these comments, it can be a lonely struggle. My troll looks like a big dark piece of concrete pressing on my chest and head. Not fun.
I didn't know that your silences in here were related to this.
Knowing that my depression passes helps somewhat, but it's so frustrating when my brain does not cooperate with me.
I'm glad you shared with us.... much love, Albert
So glad to hear your back on top! I struggle with bouts of depression, some anxiety but not the debilitating kind, but definitely depression. For years I thought this had to be a big huge secret cuz a mental health "professional" surely couldn't have a "mental disorder". What a relief it was to admit I needed help and to find the "right" medicine to help me clear out the cobwebs. I've cycled a few times times over the years, but am no longer afraid to get help when I feel the need coming on. Life is too short to live it with that troll hanging paper in your head! Paulette
Hello sweet person~Let me introduce myself: SassyDee50/Sassy/Deb/Dee/Deborah~I answer to any/all of these. Do you ever come to the mental health chat under special interests topic? I hope to see you there sometime...As for the "troll" depression, it has been visiting me since I was 19 and I'm 51 now. I love your attitude that you cannot and will not let it win nor take control. I have risen like a pheonix many more times than I can count; my depression is what they label "hard to treat", which means that no one drug will take it away--only a wholistic approach with constant vigalence to details of many facets works. Among these I list: God, gardening, walks, the company of animals, an understanding partner, healthy food, writing, photography and attention to my creative talents in general, the company of children...I hope you write that color essay. ;-) Sassy (Deb)
Post a Comment