It's soon to be Mother's Day and I always have this quandary. What to do? What to get? What to say? After reading a number of blogs out there I wish to say, those of you that have a living, wonderful Mother, congratulations. You are indeed fortunate. It's not that my mother and I have a terrible relationship, it's more of a "non" relationship. Was it something I did or said? The answer is simply NO! It's not about ME, stupid, it's about my Mother. I think she is finally living and being the person she wishes to be. She is a hermit, doesn't travel and hasn't visited me in over 22 yrs. People thought that once my Father died she would fall apart. She didn't! She loves the fact that she doesn't have anybody to answer to or take care of. She has never liked to travel and has never had friends, but people, that is the way she WANTS it. I have decided not to take it personally anymore. She will not let me do anything for her to make her life easier. Her last purchase was a John Deere lawnmover. She said it would be her last lawnmower. She is 74 yrs old. She paid a lot of $$ for it and I asked if it was a riding mower. (Here's where there are NO stupid questions is WRONG) "Hell no," was her answer. What would I need that for? Sorry, I replied. Oh Lord, now what do we talk about? I know, the weather. I have an interest in the weather channel and love to see and study the weather all over the USA. My mother on the other hand, will tell me about the weather there in her little corner of the world and talk about it for an hour without really saying anything. (She could have had an interesting career in politics with those kind of answers.) Last year, I waited until 3 days before Mothers Day before I decided to send flowers. Not a good idea....not one flower left in town! So, what will I do this year? I have no idea? I am open to suggestions. I have sent her gifts, but have no idea if she even got them or liked them. I have tried to hire people to help her paint her house, cut down trees, plant trees, shovel snow, etc. I used to get her "things" until she complained about having to dust them and then having to put them in a garage sale. I would give her my time, but that doesn't seem to work well either, as both of us get "nervous" after 24hrs. But the very worst thing is this, when I go to pick out a card, it's heart breaking. I KNOW several of you out in J'land have this dilemma also. The cards are so sweet and meaningful. They are proclaiming a bond that I haven't known. They are proclaiming the senders profound love. It's not that I don't love my mother, it's just an unusual realationship. I wish the card makers would make one that simply said, Happy Mothers Day, without all the syrup added. So, it looks like it is the Fruit of the Month Club again this year. At least she will either have to eat it or make contact with another living person to give it away. She won't throw it away as she is a person who grew up in the depression. (OK Susan, go on and laugh! Now you know where this stems from) hummmmm makes me wonder if MY kids have a problem with Mothers Day. Gee, I hope not. I have sons and it is different. I will get a phone call and/or a visit. Last year, my one son and I had just reconciled and it was so good to see him even if he still had the flat affect that comes with the drugs that are used to treat mental illness. So I want to wish all the mothers, YOUNG and OLD out there a Happy Mothers Day! I hope you get everything you want, which usually is a visit from your daughter or son, or a phone call. And to those who do not have a close relationship or a stange relationship with their mother, I have learned something from my friends Judy and Virgina, go out and have some chocolate. It's healthy and is a great mood elevator.
Monday, May 2, 2005
Uh oh.....Mother's Day
It's soon to be Mother's Day and I always have this quandary. What to do? What to get? What to say? After reading a number of blogs out there I wish to say, those of you that have a living, wonderful Mother, congratulations. You are indeed fortunate. It's not that my mother and I have a terrible relationship, it's more of a "non" relationship. Was it something I did or said? The answer is simply NO! It's not about ME, stupid, it's about my Mother. I think she is finally living and being the person she wishes to be. She is a hermit, doesn't travel and hasn't visited me in over 22 yrs. People thought that once my Father died she would fall apart. She didn't! She loves the fact that she doesn't have anybody to answer to or take care of. She has never liked to travel and has never had friends, but people, that is the way she WANTS it. I have decided not to take it personally anymore. She will not let me do anything for her to make her life easier. Her last purchase was a John Deere lawnmover. She said it would be her last lawnmower. She is 74 yrs old. She paid a lot of $$ for it and I asked if it was a riding mower. (Here's where there are NO stupid questions is WRONG) "Hell no," was her answer. What would I need that for? Sorry, I replied. Oh Lord, now what do we talk about? I know, the weather. I have an interest in the weather channel and love to see and study the weather all over the USA. My mother on the other hand, will tell me about the weather there in her little corner of the world and talk about it for an hour without really saying anything. (She could have had an interesting career in politics with those kind of answers.) Last year, I waited until 3 days before Mothers Day before I decided to send flowers. Not a good idea....not one flower left in town! So, what will I do this year? I have no idea? I am open to suggestions. I have sent her gifts, but have no idea if she even got them or liked them. I have tried to hire people to help her paint her house, cut down trees, plant trees, shovel snow, etc. I used to get her "things" until she complained about having to dust them and then having to put them in a garage sale. I would give her my time, but that doesn't seem to work well either, as both of us get "nervous" after 24hrs. But the very worst thing is this, when I go to pick out a card, it's heart breaking. I KNOW several of you out in J'land have this dilemma also. The cards are so sweet and meaningful. They are proclaiming a bond that I haven't known. They are proclaiming the senders profound love. It's not that I don't love my mother, it's just an unusual realationship. I wish the card makers would make one that simply said, Happy Mothers Day, without all the syrup added. So, it looks like it is the Fruit of the Month Club again this year. At least she will either have to eat it or make contact with another living person to give it away. She won't throw it away as she is a person who grew up in the depression. (OK Susan, go on and laugh! Now you know where this stems from) hummmmm makes me wonder if MY kids have a problem with Mothers Day. Gee, I hope not. I have sons and it is different. I will get a phone call and/or a visit. Last year, my one son and I had just reconciled and it was so good to see him even if he still had the flat affect that comes with the drugs that are used to treat mental illness. So I want to wish all the mothers, YOUNG and OLD out there a Happy Mothers Day! I hope you get everything you want, which usually is a visit from your daughter or son, or a phone call. And to those who do not have a close relationship or a stange relationship with their mother, I have learned something from my friends Judy and Virgina, go out and have some chocolate. It's healthy and is a great mood elevator.
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10 comments:
Hey girlfriend, i'm not close with my mother either! you're not alone it's been years since sending a card but that is only when i'm feeling the love i do have for her so i make a call if i remember the day and have a chat about the weather and the nothings going on in our lives. My mother is finally on her own and i hope she is happy. She's basically an unhappy person i reasoned but mom is mom and let her be is how i deal with her. Think i'll have some of that chocolate too that day. good suggestion.....another thing, don't tell your son he's a zombie for he doesn't know it it's the meds that makes him flat i know, i was there for a time until my latest meds God bless you both!~kbear
Darn... the fruit answer was taken.
When my mother was living, we didn't have the 'girlie' relationship either. I bought a pretty card with no writing on it and wrote my own message. Since your Mom stays home alot, maybe a subscription to any magazines she might like? Gardening ones? TV Guide? ~Sie
Hm, my general thought of a gift for someone who has everything they want is something to put it in. Fruit seems like a good solution instead.
I understand the depression-era parents thing. Mine were too. I have no parents living now, but I do have a daughter. She will probably be working at least 12 hours on Mother's Day as it is a big restaurant day and she will make a lot of cash.
This means another Mother's Day home alone. I am rather used to it by now.
Have a good Mother's Day, Anne! I hope you can get good fruit to your mom :)
xoox
I won't be sending a card for my mother this year..... she has ruined any chances of a relationship. When I was participating in a group for survivors, we all thought that we should start our own greeting card company for all the dysfunctional situations where "normal" cards just do not apply, but it would work here too. All the syrupy sweet cards were always too ridiculous to consider and picking out a card was a daunting task. Good luck with this....... I thought the magazine idea was a good one.
I think I'll go eat some chocolate now.
:):):)
judi
In my family, mother's day was no big deal, luckily, because there were times I did not even acknowledge her. It is, after all a made up holiday, for the card and candy and flower people to make money. The relationship between mother and child is complex(in my experience) and shame on the card industry for not acknowledging this truth. I hope you enjoy your day in whatever way seem right to you-or choose not to celebrate it, if that feels right. That's what I have come to do now in my life. Take care. Margo
I always had a problem with cards on Mother's Day, too. Not so my daughter, who finds a cute and funny (and appopriate) one every year. This year she need not get me anything. Her journal entry yesterday was more than enough.
Anne, do what makes you feel good for Mother's Day. Some moms aren't going to duly appreciate anything so you might as well do what gives you the last amount of guilt. It is very difficult to be a "good daughter" when you have a "distant" mother. Enjoy YOUR day. Paulette
.....o man..what's your mother's first name....we have THE SAME MOTHER!!!!!!...Hugs woman...how did I miss this entry?..every year..repeat...I relate to every drop you have written....sadly....<sigh>
XOXOX E
You've obviously broken THAT pattern, chicky. You are a Wonderful Mother, its obvious to see.
I Love You!
Happy Mother's Day!
xoxoxo,
Andi
Well, I have a most unusual situation. My mother is depressed, agoraphobic, paranoid . . . I'm sort of guessing because she won't see a psychiatirist . . . I've strongly suggested it, but am sort of told to butt out from my father.
She got upset when her grandchildren would come over and eventually she banned everyone fromt he house except my father and one brother, who's had a lot of problems.
She was the most WONDERFUL mother a child could EVER have. I love her so dearly.
I didn't see her for six years and then, . . . she broke her hip and had to use more of the anxiety meds and had to be in a hospital around lots of people so what were a few more (her children and grandchilren). She is rehabing slowly but surely. We are able to visit for short periods of time.
She hugs us and tells us how much she loves us. We don't talk about the last six years. Although she WAS very deep and now is very superficial and see glimmers of who she was when we laughed and played when I was a little girl
It feels like a miracle. We are going over for a short visit and taking them dinner this afternoon. I am thrilled beyond words!!!
Happy Mother's Day!!!
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